How The Lawyer Stole Christmas,
        A Seussian Parody by Random

Every White Hat at Angel's liked Christmas a lot...
The Lawyer, in the giant law building, did not!

Lindsey hated Christmas, the whole commercial reason
That stores started decorating in Halloween season.
He hated the tinsel that gleamed in the light,
And the snowmen on lawns just didn't look right.
But that which he hated more than Yuletide fire
Was Angel, the good and souled vampire.

Why he hated Angel, it's quite simple to answer,
But to get a PG rating, we might have to censor.
Some people think it's the law of the land,
That being evil is something that cannot be planned.
But the reason that I think his hatred's not waned
Is because Angel viciously cut off his hand.

But, whatever his reason, his hand or his nature,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, plotting a caper,
Staring out of his window, with an evil Lawyery frown
As happy people honked horns below in the town.
For he knew that the White Hats weren't taking a break.
They were busy doing good things just for Good Thing's sake.

"They'll be foiling my plans," he snarled with a sneer.
"And tomorrow is Christmas, it's practically here!"
And he growled, with his stump so angrily itching,
"I must find some way to prepare Angel for lynching!"

For tomorrow he knew that...
...All the good guys
Would ruin evil schemes, uncover his lies
And then!  Oh, the sighs! Oh, the Sighs! Sighs! Sighs! Sighs!
And that's one thing he hated, how Holland would sigh! And Sigh! Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!

The Angel would sit when their cheering had ceased,
And he'd brood about his beast! His Beast! Beast! Beast! Beast!
And he'd brood on his sins in a self-pity feast
Which was something Lindsey couldn't stand in the least.

And then they'd do something--the thought made him mad!
At Angel's hotel, all the good guys to be had
Would all get together, but that's not what's bad,
They'd all get together, and be sickeningly glad!
They'd be glad!  They'd be glad!
And the more Lindsey thought 'bout the White Hats Good Cheer,
The more Lindsey thought, "I must stop it this year!
For a season, or two, I've put up with this now,
I must stop the good guys from winning, but how?"

And then he got an idea,
An awful idea.
The Lawyer got a Wonderful, Awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" he laughed in his glee
And he grabbed a minion before it could flee.
"You'll beat me up good, and make it look real.
I need to fool Angel, it's his Soul I will steal!"

"All I need are some bruises, maybe a scratch or two,
Then to Angel I'll go, he'll know just what to do!"
Without a sound, the minion hit him hard in the face,
And when Lindsey didn't cry, it picked up the pace.
Bruises began to form on the Lawyer's visage
In a molten black and purple decoupage.

Then, Lindsey packed some supplies in his briefcase:
A mystical orb, musty book, an old shoelace.
Why he packed a shoelace, I really don't know.
Never question a Lawyer, just walk away slow.
('Cause it could have been worse: He could have packed mistletoe.)
So, Lindsey took his briefcase and walked to the street,
He whistles as he walked, he'd a vampire to meet.

He zoomed across town like he had a court date.
The clock in his car blinked a quarter past eight,
But traffic was gridlocked on the interstate.
Lindsey cursed his luck, he despised being late.
It was just half past eight, on the interstate
A few inches more, through the big tollbooth gate,
And he'd be able to yell at Angel: "Checkmate!"

The hotel was dark when he made his appearance.
"Oh, this'll be good," he said of his performance.
He snuck through the door, something akin to lurking,
And he asked to himself, "Should they not be working?"
The suddenly, a light flooded they foyer
And people jumped out, surprising the Lawyer.

Confetti rained down from the air like snow,
Bright-colored snow, if you wanted to know.
And they stood there, the White Hats and poor Lindsey
As confetti and streamers settled down from their tizzy.
And it seemed like hours that they stared at each other,
Till Wes broke the silence with a soft "Oh, brother."

"It's just Lawyer-Boy," Cordy said with a shun
As she turned on her heel and walked over to Gunn.
"What are you doing here?" Wes asked him quite plain,
But if he told them the truth, they'd think him insane.
"I came to steal Christmas," Lindsey said in a pinch,
For it's good for the Lawyer, what's good for the Grinch.

After a moment of silence, they laughed in gay cheer.
(That's "gay" meaning happy, not "gay" meaning queer.)
"You can't be serious," Wesley said with a chuckle,
He was laughing so hard, he had to loosen his buckle.
Being laughed at did not set well with Lindsey at all,
So he stamped his foot, pouted, and tried to look tall.
That made the White Hats laugh all the more,
Which, in turn, made Lindsey all the more sore.

Time was a-wasting, it was nearly midnight!
Christmas would come without even a fight!
And everyone knows that's not at all right.
Suddenly, Angel stepped into the light,
His great coat like wings about to take flight.

Angel's eyes stared at Lindsey, boring into his skull,
And Lindsey stepped backwards, resisting their pull.
Angel spoke with a sneer, advancing on the Lawyer
Who tugged at his collar like an uncomfortable voyeur.
"I don't think it's Christmas you came here to take
You'd better leave now, for your own soul's sake."

Lindsey fumbled for the doorknob that pressed in his back,
And cursed at himself for the comeback he lacked.
He raced out of the door, cursing his missing hand.
He felt bad because Angel deduced what he'd planned.
How Angel discovered it, he hadn't a clue,
But he sat on the curb and began to feel blue.
It's not easy being evil, Lindsey knew it was true
That you lose lots of friends 'cause they all fear you.

What happened next, many stories have been told,
But Angel followed him, his reasons two-fold,
And he sat by Lindsey, who was shivering with cold.
"You don't have to hate me," Angel said with a smile.
Lindsey responded, stomach churning up bile,
"Hate's too kind a word, too kind by a mile."

"Oh, please! It's Christmas," Angel retorted,
"Cordelia's got cookies, some of them imported!
And I promised not to brood, it's a big step for me.
So can we try, just tonight, to let our differences be?
Because if tonight, if we can get past our hating,
Cordelia has promised to give up on baking."

And while Lindsey's plan to steal a soul did not come to pass,
The Lawyer stole something else that was greater in mass.
He stole friendship, and love, and learned something unexpected:
While the White Hats were laughing, he wasn't rejected.
They were his friends now, and always would be.
He didn't have to be rich to be truly wealthy.

The End